Perihelion

 I find myself lost deep in thoughts and dreams of the day next summer when I try to fly like Icarus, but instead I will enter the sea first, as a primordial fish, and fall to Earth as the newly transformed human. I will find my own personal perihelion, as I expect a date with the Sun that day, and we will battle each other until one has claimed the victory. My wings are going to be stronger than wax though, and I expect I will find a way to dance in the sky, and put my name into the book of life as Ironman.

 Perihelion, here I come.

Defining Moments

 At some point in every one's life, we experience a "defining moment". One of those moments in which our life changes drastically, or we experience an epiphany of personal revelation. At that point, we make a life decision as to which path we choose, and these points in our lives help define WHO we are, HOW we live, and WHAT we are going to do from that point on. There are many defining moments we live through and evolve ourselves as a human, as a person, as an individual.

 For me, I have several of these moments. The first was as a teenager when I realized I needed to be myself, to be true to ME, and to not worry about what other people thought. It's MY life, I control my own destiny, mostly. I quit worrying about fancy shoes and clothes, and started worrying more about things like motocross racing, my close friends, having fun, and deciding I never wanted to "grow up" all the way, to not lose that childhood freedom and innocence.

 The second was my marriage and having children. That's a big one that utterly redefines a man (or should) as your life becomes less important and you share experiences with your family that you can get no other way. I may not always have been the best husband or father, and I continue to try to be better at it, and I will continue evolving this definition until I live no more.

 When I crashed my brains out riding motocross and broke multiple big things in my body 8 years ago, I had another life change, one in which I realized the enormity of my injuries, and how much worse it could have been. I know people that have died doing what I was doing, that were paralyzed, lost children to it. But I survived, I got fixed up, and I recovered. It made me stronger, it made me realize how tough we can be. Motocrossers are some of the toughest people out there.

 Some people call the next event a "mid-life crisis", and they think they need to go and buy a sports car, a boat, a new house, a new wife, etc., this generally happens around the 39-45 year old range. Well, I decided at 38 I wanted a bright red sports sedan, and it wasn't too expensive, so I got it under the pretense it was a "family" car (after all, it had 4 doors). I chalked the purchase up to my own middle aged crisis, and got over it, although I still have my car and plan on giving it to my son when he turns 16.

 At 42 years old, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer, and let me tell you, that was the biggest defining moment yet in my life. My mortality came around, smacking me in the face pimp style, and I was forced to examine my life in a new light. What do I do, what can I do, how do I go on with this, what plans do I need to make for my family, etc., there are thousands of new thoughts and emotions that came and went, and I struggled with them at first. I cried, I was mad, I was confused, all the new emotions were a heavy burden. But yet, I started forming The Plan again, a plan to continue on, to LIVE, to not let cancer define what I can or can't do, to not let it define WHO I am. So what, I have cancer...what am I going to do, lay down, curl up in a ball and whine myself to the death bed? Or am I going to get mad, change what I can to help me survive longer and stronger, to make the most of what I have right now?

 I decided to live. I decide to continue. I decide to redefine myself and be better and stronger, to not let this disease define me. After all, we are dying from the moment we are born, what we do in between the beginning and the end is what matters. Like the phoenix, I arise from the ashes and choose to become something greater than myself, to become something I never thought I would or could do. I still don't know if I can, and I have a long ways to go, but the journey is what lies before me.

 My next defining moment, is to become an Ironman, with my family and friends by my side, I think I have a pretty good chance of making it happen. Committing to even try an Ironman is a defining moment in itself.

 What is your defining moment?

Fridays, Stress from work...and RELIEF.

 Work has been a bit nutty the past couple days. I was majorly stressed out from being slammed for two days in a row, putting in a 15 hour day yesterday, and 11 today. I needed some relief, and my first thought was to go home and have a beer! But, there is time for that later and I am making some strides in my life (literally) again, chasing some weird dream I had to try and become an Ironman. Shifting time and priorities has to occur, without incurring a penalty on the family time. So beer drinking takes a back seat for now, and making my life better after being diagnosed with cancer is priority one. Getting fit and working oxygen into muscles and tissue can only help, and healthier eating habits

 So I get home, get me and my son into running clothes, and we go out for a 40 minute excursion around the neighborhoods. It was 89f when I left the house, and sunny still. Summer is here, but I am not ducking the daylight, after all, I am going to have to face the brutal Texas heat and humidity in one of the toughest events a man can challenge himself with, no time to start being a chickenshit now.

 I feel better after just 4 runs than I thought, and I can run (well, jog) almost the whole time. Still, after not running for a year, I need to take it easy, so I will drop any pretense of ego I was feeling and stick to shorter stuff for a few weeks. The kidney surgery area feels pretty good and has no pain. I find myself dreaming of longer runs, and thinking about when I am going to start learning to swim the unique style required for triathlons. Not to mention I am planning on going to Austin and finding a tri-bike this month. I think the bike will be my easiest part of this deal.

Day 3:

 Took a run last night with my 13yr old. We only went just shy of 3 miles, my quads were pretty sore from the previous 2 days, so we took it easy. Once warmed up I actually felt better than the day before though, and this morning my soreness is lessened. My son was more fit than me from a season of soccer playing, he said I was going SLOOOOOOOOOW. What a little jerk :-)

 Learning to swim tri-style...probably gonna be the hardest discipline to learn. Getting out of the water in a reasonable time seems a loooooooong ways away.

 Biking: most likely gonna be my easiest once I am getting fit. I have long, strong legs and these should suit me well for a bike ride of 6-7 hours. Not scary at all, just a loooooooong boring ride. Probably going to be very hot so this is going to set the tone for the run coming up afterwards, it will be incredibly important to hold back here.

 Running (or wallowing in a daze) the marathon: Going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life most likely. It seems impossible right now that my legs are going to be able to carry me 26.2 after the previouse bike ride!

 But to be sure, thousands and thousands have accomplished this before me, and I suspect I will find some inner strength along the way from family and friends.

 To infinity, and beyond!

The Fire Is Lit.

And oh boy, do my legs know it :-) My legs are asking me, "Just what do you think you are doing?" So I said "shut up legs". I have strong legs and they weren't bad, but my wind...weak.

I went out for 3.2 miles and actually managed to jog fast for a half mile before I was breathing real heavy, walked for a minute, then I would just run slow and easy for 2-3 minutes and walk for just over a minute until my heart rate dropped. Rinse and repeat. It's a start, just barely.

The worst part was my belly squishing out the sides of my compression underskins hahaha. That too, shall pass, eventually. My goal for race day: 185-190 lbs. That's only about 33lbs away, so that's pretty close I guess, for now.

I will go out again tomorrow for a leg stretcher, slow jog. For now, I plan on a 5 day a week easy schedule, short ones, just to get my legs active again and wake up/shake up everything. And to test my kidney (or lack of) surgery recovery level, feels pretty good though.

Saturday morning dreams...

 I remember the days of getting up early on Saturday morning, drinking a cup of coffee, getting dressed, and then heading out for a long run ~12-15 miles...seeing the sun rise, as I was on the last 3 or 4 miles. Beautiful, and peaceful. I miss those times, those reflections I had upon myself, my life...the solitude of the world around me, before the rest of the world arose and started the busy, ant like, frantic pace of doing "things" and acquiring "stuff". Running alone, early in the morning, has a way of letting me get inside my self, letting my mind be examined, asking myself why I do these things...why do I run.

 The simple answer is...freedom. Freedom from the The Job...freedom from bills, paperwork, schedules. Running is like being a child again, when we ran because we could, because we had no other cares, because it was fun. It's even deeper than that. Running is something you just have to experience at a level that is right for you, and you alone. Perhaps every runner has a different experience, perhaps there is a common ground we all share, but to be sure, you cannot know it unless you have done it.

 I find myself digging out my old running clothes, getting my things ready. My 13yr old son is going to join me in the morning at 6:30am for my first "official" run, the run that starts my rebuilding, my transformation, my journey to Becoming Ironman. I only hope I can stay the course, be tough enough in mind and body, to complete this task.

 So it begins...

My Goal To Be an IRONMAN Begins...The Transformation.

  I am 223lbs...way out of shape (is "soft" a shape?). I have not ran for almost a year, other than a few scattered 2-3 milers. I have previously ran 3 half marathons and 2 marathons. I know how to get in shape, I just chose to let myself lose it.

 I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma on 11-27-12, and had my entire right kidney removed on 12-4-12. I feel really good right now as far as the surgery recovery, it is a pretty invasive and let me tell you, it takes longer than I thought to get back to baseline.

 My reasons to try for an Ironman?

 1) I want to give the big FUCK YOU to cancer. My first checkup is on 6-13-13, just after my 43rd birthday. I plan on being clear still, but who knows. I am not going to wait around for it to come back, I am not going to worry about it coming back. If it does, I will deal with it then, all I can do is get healthy, eat right, and try to minimize the possibility of it returning. So right now, I choose to just LIVE. I will not let the fear of cancer determine what I can or cannot do.

2) Who knows IF I will be able to do an Ironman later in life. I am only getting older, and IF cancer returns, I may not get the chance to be an Ironman.

3) My brother is a 2 time Ironman, and I want him to be proud of me. He is the reason I started running in the first place, and I am continuously amazed at his determination and toughness. This one is for you, bro.

4) I want to show my children the meaning of "I Can", and not let them say "I can't". I have seen a 67 year old woman with a prosthetic leg finish an Ironman. I have seen blind people become transcendant from their lack of sight and become an Ironman. I OWE it to myself, my family, to do the same.


 I think I know how to be tough. I raced motocross for 15 years. I have broken many bones, several concussions, I have titanium parts inside my femur from 2004 when I shattered it, among some other things. I think I will find out how tough I can be. I am man, and I control my own destiny, if there is such a thing. I expect to cry and laugh, probably both at the same time, during my journey to train my body and my mind for the 140.6 miles I will encounter on a hot, humid day on May 17th, 2014. I expect to cry when and if I cross the finish line. I can't say for sure that I WILL finish, but I'll be damned if I don't try. I will be better for trying and losing, than for never having tried. But I tell you this...I EXPECT to become an Ironman on that day.

 There will be more to come, I will chronicle my training, my feelings, my experiences, on this blog. The writing style will be varied, sometimes a stream of consciousness, sometimes straight facts, and I am sure I will post some of my philosophical meanderings. So be it. Let the Transformation begin!